My First Inner Healing Experience

There is something you need to know. When you draw close to God and develop a conversational relationship with Him, many things begin to happen. One of the things that happens is that God begins to expose some of the things in your heart that need to be dealt with. It may be attitudes, sin, bondage, or unforgiveness. Many times it is emotional wounds that need healing. My first breakthrough actually had several of these issues involved.

The precursor to this event was that I was specifically praying Psalm 139:23-24
"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

This is a dangerous prayer, but it was my true desire then and it continues to be today. I want to be whole and holy(Romans 15:16) and I am yielded to his sanctifying work in me. One of the first things he exposed was my self-hatred, but that was not my first healing breakthrough. For me it was forgiving my Father.

Here is how it went down: One day when praying that prayer the Lord showed me that I was carrying hurt and unforgiveness toward my Dad. The hurt was focused mainly upon the fact that he was not involved in my growing up too much. I was number 6 boy in a family of 7 kids and by the time I came on the scene my folks were pretty tired. they had 5 really difficult boys before me and I think their spirits were broken. In any case I had many significant life events that he did not attend. I never said anything or made a big deal of it at the time but it was affecting me deep within. Most notably I went to the State Track meet twice and he did not go. I was interpreting it all as rejection. Keep in mind that this was below my awareness. But now the The Holy Spirit uncovered it.

When I saw it for its true magnitude, I was broken. It hurt severely, but God brought up memory after memory that I felt that rejection and loneliness. In addition I felt the guilt of holding the unforgiveness. The Lord showed me that this unforgiveness was affecting my relationship with Him as my heavenly Father. It was dishonoring my earthly Father. This was excruciating! I was in a heap with racking sobs of pain and sorrow for qute some time. In between the sobs I renounced the dishonor of my Father. When it subsided I felt a significant release. I then asked the Lord. What else do I need to do? He said "Forgive him" This again brought the sobs of sorrow. Again, I brought him before the Lord and told God that I forgive him and I released him from any accountability in it. I also laid down any right I had to hold offense against him. When I did this it brought in an amazing release of Joy! I felt a huge weight removed from my being! I felt lighter and more free in my spirit but also in my physical body. I then asked the Lord, Is there anything else I must do? He said "yes, You must tell him in person that you forgive him and ask him for his forgiveness"

Now this was a whole different thing. I felt very insecure about doing this face to face, not knowing how he would interpret it all. I did not respond to this command immediately. I felt very awkward. However, not long after this event he had a heart attack and he was in the hospital. It took the seriousness of that event to get me to talk to him. I visited him in the hospital room and I told him that I forgave him for not being a part of my growing up. I also asked for his forgiveness for everything that I had been holding against him.

He was taken aback and confused. in fact, he did not respond to either statement. After a few minutes he started to cry and he apologized for not being the Dad he should have been. We both started to cry then and I hugged him as he was lying in the hospital bed. It was the most real and tender moment that we had ever had. After a while I sat by his bedside and he shared more of his regrets of mistakes that he made in his life. I listened and I told him that it was ok, that God had forgiven him. He must forgive himself. I looked at him in the eyes and I told him that I loved him. It was totally a God orchestrated moment and I could sense God's smile upon us. I dont think he ever forgave himself but from then on our relationship was closer and I thank God that I had a few years in which he was alive and it was healthy between us. I cant describe the level of freedom that I felt after this healing and breakthrough!

Thanks be to God who heals our hearts! (Psalm 147:3)

epilog:
This was the beginning of many healings and breakthroughs that the Lord has done in me. I will share more in future blogs, but I want you all to know that God has this for you. When we seek intimacy with Him, he will bring these things up so that he can heal us and set us free. This is just an expression of His love for us.